If Only Sooner

Butterfly effects, realistic nightmares, and white linen

There are things I wish I had figured it out sooner. You could say I wasted a lot of time. But I don’t believe in waste.

We subscribe to belief systems to make sense of the chaos. Don’t we? Don’t you? Or maybe there something else guiding you. Intuition. Ancestors. A coven of witchy teens you called the corners with during full moons. Jesus or whatever.

Youth is confusing and adulthood comes with fewer answers than we had hoped for. So many grow up with something to believe in. Faith is a balm. It’s also to blame. But if you don’t have religion to guide you, what are you left with?

I credit this set-up for my own over-investment in socially held institutions. Government. Public policy. The First Amendment. Something to believe in. But it’s a veil like any other — built on the exploitation of others and rules that discard humanity.

So you invest in the idea that everything that preceded this moment lead to it. The so-called “Butterfly Effect.” Because what else is there for you? I guess I mean me. Therapy and management training have taught me to use “I” statements but the prose always lands more awkwardly. And core to my privilege is assuming that my experience must be shared by others.

But outsiders always feel like outsiders even when they’re sitting inside at the table. It’s not the same as imposter syndrome, but it’s related.

So yeah, we made it through January and one thing led to another. The winter of our discontent is discontenting. Seeing the light at the end of the COVID tunnel is not the same as basking in its warmth. So to my northeastern friends: embrace the polar vortex and invest whatever you have in a distraction.

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The Weekly Round-Up:

A section in which I dump all of my favorite and most curious things.

Winner of the Internet yeah it was probably reddit, sorry. I know it’s a group of awful people gaming a system that was gaming the rest of us, but it was also highly entertaining to watch.

Please enjoy this video of people complaining that the stock market exists.

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I Can’t Even: I had a dream that we were finally able to go back into shitty pubs and sports bars but literally armed white supremacists showed up and had a stand-off with police and in the dream it was so routine that it was almost like this is exactly where society is headed. Our table was evacuated from the building, but only after the stand-off had been going on for like half an hour. We weren’t even really aware of it. Going outside was like leaving an office building when the fire alarm goes off. You are almost positive there isn’t actually so you move without urgency, looking around to others for a clue. Should we be freaking out?

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On repeat: I got really into this Sky Ferreira track from 2014 and once I looked into it I realized it was co-written with last week’s obsession (Dev Hynes) so this particular sonic track is humming along exactly as it should. I was very obsessed with her album “You’re Not The One” in like…2014? If I remember correctly there was a problematic/culturally appropriative video she put out that she caught a lot of shit for which bummed me out but I don’t know why I expect more from pop stars. I guess she is the granddaughter of Michael Jackson’s hairdresser? Why do I spend time on Wikipedia reading this stuff when I could be doing anything else better with my time?

Anyway, the song is great but the music video is awful. I was better at audio/video syncing in high school. And don’t come at me with an argument that it’s an artistic choice. The video was made on no budget, which is ridiculous because Capitol put this record out but you could probably do a better job lining those up on your iPhone.

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Why Am I Like This? In 2017 there was a much maligned attempt to rebrand western Mass as West Mass — developed by outside consultants that lived in the midwest. It landed beyond poorly, almost comical to look back on the outrage over something so pointless. But its failure has given it a humorous cache. I can’t help but tag #WestMass whenever I get a chance. It feels like shitposting. I quit drinking a year or so ago. Gotta get my kicks somewhere.

Relive the horrible West Mass trailer and remember simpler times.

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What I Really Wanna Know Is what to do about casual relationships. This phenomenon seems to be in the zeitgeist at the moment. Anne Helen Peterson had a great essay a couple weeks ago about the impact of COVID on the “Errand Friend” — aka that person in your life that you run to Target and the Post Office with but maybe grab a coffee first?

It’s just life, but with another person there. I tried to look for a picture from my past to accompany this post, but there was nothing to be found. You take photos of special events, of dinners, of nights out and camping trips and hikes and weddings and dress-up costumes. You don’t take a photo when you’re in Target browsing dishtowels for the seventeenth time.

I’ve been missing my errand friends but also all the acquaintances. Before the pandemic, I was fortunate to live and work in a place that made my life rich with acquaintances. Some were tenuous and barely there (I had finally, formally introduced myself to my favorite barista), where as others were more substantive and fed by the act of just “running into” people. Prime example is my college advisor, who I saw and chatted with nearly every morning at the coffee shop. Mostly about politics but also about our families and lives. Then one day: gone. Just gone. Haven’t spoken since. Yes, I could email him. I probably should. But I haven’t.

Shouts to one of my besties for sharing this piece in The Atlantic, which lays out what the loss of “weak ties” in our relationships has done to our lives and society:

The small joys of running into an old co-worker or chatting with the bartender at your local bar might not be the first thing you think of when imagining the value of friendship—images of more intentional celebrations and comforts, such as birthday parties and movie nights, might come to mind more easily. But … both kinds of interactions meet our fundamental desire to be known and perceived, to have our own humanity reflected back at us.

We all have different markers in our minds for when the pandemic “ends.” For some it’s the ability to take a (relatively) care-free vacation. For others, it’s the ability to gather with family and friends. For me, it’s going to be the moment where I can reliably run into people again and not feel like I am risking the entire public health system by lingering to talk.

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Things I Learned: Honestly, I feel like I learned nothing this week outside of the outer limits of my tolerance for winter during a pandemic.

Disrupted interaction: I searched for a nonverbal way to communicate to the Stop and Shop employee how much joy I got out of watching her ride the shopping cart carrying my curbside pick up out of the store like it was a skateboard because I did that almost every time I left that building because I am still a teenager but you can only say so much with a mask on. Craigslist needs a new Missed Connections section for explaining life behind the mask.

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Ode to the Woman Who Purchases the $298 Christy Dawn White Linen Jumpsuit

We have to start by thanking you for your service. Without these Instagram push ads we wouldn’t realize that we’re failing to live our best life in quarantine as we hang around all day in the same pair of soft pants we wore to bed. Linen is soft after all. And white linen is a bold choice. Are we saying “iconic” still?

Because why wouldn’t we want to be like you? Coffee spilling on yourself in the morning? Never. When you’re wearing white linen you don’t even need to drink coffee anymore. You get your energy from pure light and air. Like a plant.

I mean, just look at you. What are those fruits you’re picking? Or maybe just admiring. Kumquats? We have to order those on Amazon around here. But you live in the land of citrus and linen and we are sitting here in twelve layers of flannel so that we can survive the temps outside if the car breaks down.

And the $300. Don’t get us wrong: we believe in paying for quality too! And hopefully more ethical production…that must be factored into that price tag, right? But to throw down this much for white linen — this must be the secret to keeping it away from the tragic ending we all know we mere mortals would meet. The stains, the surprise period day, the moment your child really wants to give you a hug right after eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. None of this happens to you. Maybe if we spend $300 it won’t happen to us either.

You can garden without getting dirty. The sun is always shining where you are. You have at least three straw hats that just scream “effortless” when you put them on. It’s so easy to get ready when you’ve got a white linen jumpsuit. Profile pic ready at all times, bb.

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